The Royal Family Page 9

  ‘No offence, Mother. That’s just what Auntie Gertrude told me,’ Betty added.

  The worst thing for Mordonna was that there was no one she could talk to about it. Normally, she’d go to Nerlin whenever there was a problem. It wasn’t that he often had anything useful to offer, but he always had a sympathetic ear. So Mordonna decided to talk to Ffiona’s mother, Edna Hulbert, who was the closest thing she had to a close friend, which was not close at all.

  Edna Hulbert, like the rest of her family, was not a witch or a wizard. She was a human.

  But, as humans go, she’s pretty good, Mordonna said to herself. It’s just that talking to her about wizard stuff is like talking to someone in a foreign language. There’ll be so much she won’t understand.

  ‘You mean, your husband isn’t the King of Transylvania Waters after all?’ said Edna, when Mordonna explained that it was the oldest child who became the monarch, regardless of whether they were male or female. ‘I didn’t even know he had a sister.’

  ‘You, me and everyone,’ said Mordonna. ‘I can’t believe he never told me.’

  ‘Husbands can be quite devious sometimes,’ said Edna. ‘Mine never told me he liked LEGO until I found boxes and boxes of it hidden in his shed. I used to wonder what he was doing in there for hours on end. It never occurred to me he was playing with little pieces of plastic.’65

  ‘Yes, but having a secret sister is a bit different to having some secret toys,’ said Mordonna.

  ‘Maybe his sister doesn’t want the job,’ Edna suggested.

  ‘Betty says she does,’ Mordonna replied. ‘I mean, who wouldn’t want to be the ruler of the greatest country on Earth?’

  ‘Yes, well, I don’t want to sound rude, but we both know our daughters are not completely, um, err, sort of addicted to always telling the truth,’ said Edna.

  ‘That’s true,’ said Mordonna, seeing a straw she might be able to clutch.

  But the situation was one of those you could only really see the worse side of. Mordonna wanted to believe that Gertrude had no desire to be Queen, but if that was the case, why had she come up the drains and sought out Betty to tell her who she was, if not to make trouble and claim the throne?

  ‘I don’t know what to do,’ Mordonna said. ‘I told Betty I wanted to speak to her aunt so we could maybe sort things out, but Betty said Gertrude doesn’t want to see me.’

  ‘Hmm … could you have her followed next time Betty goes to see her?’

  ‘Yes, except Betty said she advised me not to do that.’

  ‘And you let her tell you what to do?’ said Edna. ‘Surely not!’

  ‘You’re absolutely right, but Betty says that Gertrude’s got the Ultimate Super-Wizard powers,’ said Mordonna, then explained how this meant Gertrude was more powerful than all the other witches and wizards on Earth and could pretty well do anything she wanted.

  ‘She could be bluffing.’

  ‘That’s true, and five years ago I would have taken her on,’ said Mordonna sadly. ‘But you know, we’re all getting older and I’m beginning to think that my beloved husband has got the right idea when he says he wants to retire to our cottage in the Enchanted Valley and let someone younger take over.’

  Edna agreed. She and Mr Hulbert had been talking about going to live in a bungalow by the sea, except it would mean leaving Transylvania Waters, which they had grown to love. Of course, they could always retire to a bungalow by the lake, but a lake is not the seaside and for as long as the Hulberts could remember they had agreed that one day they would go and live by the sea and wake up each morning to the sound of waves crashing on a beach of golden sand with seagulls calling through the spray.

  ‘Winchflat could make you a Wave and Seagull Machine and you could move to the far end of the lake,’ said Mordonna. ‘Except bungalows are illegal in Transylvania Waters because they are very boring.’

  ‘Oh,’ said Edna, who had always dreamt of retiring to a bungalow with a few garden gnomes, a little fountain and some honeysuckle.

  It was hard to imagine Mordonna as someone who might retire. Queens don’t do that sort of thing. They go on and on past their use-by dates until their own children are too old to take over. This didn’t happen in the good old days. Back then, when the children thought it was time for their turn to be King or Queen, they simply got rid of their parents. Unfortunately, this fine old tradition has died out almost everywhere.

  And it didn’t look as if any of the Flood children were thinking about bumping their parents off. None of them wanted to take over. They all thought it was a boring dead-end job.

  At least, this was what Mordonna and Nerlin were led to believe. Neither of them had the faintest clue that Betty had other ideas. Nerlin would have been delighted to know that his beloved youngest child actually wanted to be Queen. On the other hand, Mordonna would have been furious. It would mean that Betty would’ve won the battle she had started with her mother when she and Ffiona had opened their own restaurant a couple of years earlier.66 & 67

  Mordonna suspected that Betty was up to something, but she had no idea what it was. It was very strange that her daughter had not made a new law during her first weekend as ruler. For now, though, Mordonna decided to let it go. She told herself she would just keep an eye on things and be ready for whatever Betty tried to do. But in the back of Mordonna’s mind grew the thought that she was getting older and the day would finally come when one of her children would take over.

  She just hoped it wouldn’t be Betty.

  The next Friday afternoon, while Betty made herself scarce, Mordonna collected her other children together and spun round with her eyes closed.

  This time she chose the twins, Morbid and Silent, to rule the kingdom for the weekend.

  Obviously Mordonna could only pick one of them, but little did she know that earlier in the day Morbid and Silent had agreed that neither of them would admit who was who if they were chosen.

  ‘Right, Morbid, you are King this weekend,’ said Mordonna.

  ‘No, he’s Morbid,’ said Morbid, pointing at Silent.

  ‘Oh, yes,’ said Mordonna, who had never been able to tell them apart but would never admit to it. ‘So, Silent, you will be King for the weekend.’

  ‘But I’m Morbid,’ said Silent.

  This went on backwards and forwards for five minutes until Mordonna spat out a string of swear words and a fireball, and told the twins that they were both King.

  ‘Can’t do that,’ said Valla. ‘That’s democracy, which everyone knows is illegal in all witch and wizard countries.’

  ‘Exactly,’ said Winchflat. ‘I mean, who knows what could happen? Ordinary people would want to vote and stuff like that. It would be chaotic, and to keep the peace the twins would have to turn them all into tadpoles.’

  ‘Or boiled eggs,’ said Morbid.

  ‘Hard-boiled eggs,’ said Silent.

  Mordonna began banging her head against the wall and swearing a lot more. Maybe this weekend cottage part-time King or Queen thing wasn’t worth all the trouble. It had seemed like a pretty good idea at the time – every weekend up in the Enchanted Valley just lazing around. Now she wasn’t so sure.

  It’s Betty, I know it is, she said to herself. She’s doing all this.

  Mordonna was right, though everyone denied it when she confronted them.

  ‘Betty?’ said Valla. ‘You mean, our lovely little sister Betty?’

  ‘Yes,’ said Mordonna. ‘She’s trying to make trouble, isn’t she?’

  ‘What, our angelic little sister?’ said Winchflat. ‘Oh, Mother, why would she do that for?’

  ‘Power,’ snapped Mordonna.

  ‘Power?’ said Merlinmary. ‘Sweet little Betty? What on earth made you think that?’

  ‘She hates me, that’s why,’ said Mordonna.

  ‘Don’t be silly, Mother. Betty adores both you and Father,’ said Satanella.

  ‘Yes, she loves your father but it’s clear she hates me,’ said Mordonna. ‘She’s go
t you all taken in with her big blue eyes and golden curls and pretence that she can’t really do magic.’

  None of Betty’s brothers or sisters would agree with their mother, even though secretly they all knew she was right.

  Ever since Betty had been born, her siblings had known that one day she would outshine them all. Mordonna, on the other hand, had only realised this as Betty had grown up, knowing full well that there would be plenty of future showdowns with her youngest daughter.

  Betty’s brothers and sisters loved their youngest sister, not in spite of how she was and would be, but because of her ability to successfully lead the kingdom. They loved the idea of Betty becoming Queen, ruling not just Transylvania Waters, but anywhere and everywhere. It eliminated a lot of potential problems like one of the Floods siblings marrying someone who turned out to be dreadful and tried to ruin their monarch. They knew that if and when Betty got married it would be to someone who was not only brilliant but also completely under her power, much like her father was under Mordonna’s control.68

  Of course, none of Betty’s siblings knew about Gertrude and the Ultimate Super-Wizard powers. If they had, they would have felt safer talking to each other about it.

  So that weekend, after Nerlin and Mordonna had gone up to the cottage, all the Flood children gathered together in a secret meeting room high up in one of Castle Twilight’s towers.

  Even Satanella was there, whose spell in The Naughty Tower had quietened her down a bit. She was still a selfish air-head, perfectly qualified for the popular TV show The Why Factor, but at least she’d stopped talking about herself all the time and spending hours in front of the mirror.

  There were no husbands, wives, children or friends in the tower – just the seven children. None of them knew who had called the meeting. There had been no conversations or messages, just a time and place that appeared in each of their heads, a time and place that had been put there by the eighth person in the room.

  Gertrude.

  ‘OK, everyone,’ Betty said, when they were all sitting in a circle around the edge of the small room, ‘I would like you to meet our aunt.’

  ‘Aunt?’ said at least three of them.

  ‘What aunt?’ said the others.

  ‘Auntie Gertrude,’ said Betty. ‘She’s our father’s twin sister.’

  ‘But Father hasn’t got any sisters or brothers,’ said Winchflat. ‘Otherwise he would’ve told us, or we would’ve met them.’

  ‘He kept it a secret,’ Betty explained. ‘Even our mother didn’t know.’

  ‘Why?’ said the twins, who were especially delighted to discover their father was a twin too.

  ‘Oh no. I know what you’re going to say,’ said Valla. ‘Father is younger than his sister, isn’t he?’

  ‘Clever boy,’ said Gertrude.

  ‘So you are the ruler of Transylvania Waters, not Father,’ said Winchflat.

  ‘Technically,’ Gertrude replied. ‘Except it’s the last thing I want to be. I suspect that none of you want the job, either?’

  Everyone agreed, apart from Betty.

  ‘Except me,’ she said.

  The others all let out a great sigh. They felt as if they had been holding their breaths forever. Then they all began talking at once, telling each other how they always sort of knew that Betty would one day be Queen.

  ‘It’s her destiny, isn’t it?’ said Satanella, thankful that she wouldn’t be made to do the job because, as everyone knew, being a Queen was really bad for your complexion.

  ‘Indeed,’ said Gertrude, ‘from before she was born.’

  ‘Wow,’ said the twins.

  Gertrude explained that although she had spent all her life, until a few weeks ago, down in the drains, she had always kept an eye on her brother and his life, wife and children. She believed that all of Nerlin’s children were brilliant, each in their own special way, but it was Betty and her unique combination of personality traits that made her the most suitable one to rule Transylvania Waters.

  ‘This isn’t meant to make the rest of you feel inferior to Betty,’ she said. ‘It’s just that I think she’s the best equipped to handle any possible threat that may come in the future. Don’t forget that even the greatest wizard of all time, your grandfather Merlin, was overthrown by the evil King Quatorze.’

  Everyone agreed that Betty should be the next ruler. There was no jealousy at all. In fact, the Flood children felt rather relieved that they wouldn’t have to take the job.

  Then Betty explained that they shouldn’t tell their parents about it. She said she wanted her parents to think that none of them aspired to take over, and that Nerlin and Mordonna had to stay King and Queen until they died.69

  ‘Except I told Mother about Auntie Gertrude last weekend,’ Betty said. ‘And that she had come from the drains to take over the throne and there was every possibility that Mother and Father would get thrown into gaol for Monarchy Theft, which is a really serious crime.’

  ‘You are so mean,’ said Merlinmary.

  But everyone thought it was hilarious, including Merlinmary.

  ‘All I really want is a lovely little cottage high up in the mountains,’ said Gertrude. ‘A place I can go to retire and spend the rest of my days growing chrysanthemums and puppies, and getting visits from you and your children and their children and their children.’

  ‘That’s the same thing Dad wants,’ said Satanella. ‘He’s built a cottage just like … oh, mmm.’

  ‘Exactly,’ said Morbid. ‘We can keep on pretending that Auntie Gertrude wants to be Queen and maybe even put Mother and Father in gaol. Then, after a few months, they’ll agree to give our aunt the cottage in exchange for her moving there and giving up any claims to the throne.’

  ‘Couldn’t we just build another cottage?’ said Valla.

  ‘Winchflat’s already taken care of that,’ said Betty. ‘But let’s keep that to ourselves for the moment.’

  Everyone agreed to Betty’s plan. It would break the monotony of having to be in charge each weekend and everyone would end up living happily ever after.

  ‘Aren’t you forgetting something?’ asked Valla.

  ‘What?’

  ‘I can’t see Mother going away quietly,’ he said. ‘Especially if she thinks Betty’s going to be Queen.’

  ‘I’m quite sure she’ll be furious,’ said Betty with a smile. ‘But if Mother thinks the other only option is being thrown into gaol by Queen Gertrude, she won’t really have any choice.’

  ‘I suppose it’ll just come down to who’s got the most powerful magic,’ said Valla.

  ‘Not really,’ said Gertrude.

  ‘Are you sure?’ said Winchflat. ‘Mother can get pretty awesome when she’s angry.’

  ‘Oh yes, we’re sure,’ said Betty, and told them about the Ultimate Super-Wizard powers.

  ‘Does Mother know this?’ Winchflat asked.

  ‘Oh, yes,’ said Betty. ‘Though I imagine she’ll be telling herself that she has more power.

  ‘And,’ Betty added, ‘she doesn’t know that when I become Queen, Auntie Gertrude is going to transfer the powers to me.’

  ‘Indeed,’ said Gertrude, ‘but we’ll keep that little treat from your parents for now too.’

  Since the time Betty had met Gertrude in the forest, the old witch had dusted most of the cobwebs out of her brain and been practising her spells. So she decided to give them all a little demonstration of a few of the safer and smaller things the Ultimate Super-Wizard powers could do. Gertrude reached out her hand into the empty air and grabbed at something invisible.

  ‘Now,’ she said, ‘I want each of you to think of something that you would like to see appear as I throw my hand up and open it. Don’t tell me what it is. I will tell you what you’re thinking of.’

  Gertrude held her arm out in front of her at face-level, and blew on her closed hand before raising it above her head and opening her fingers. As she did this, she turned to each of the seven Flood children one by one.

>   ‘First, the twins,’ she said, and started laughing.

  There was a flash of light and there in front of Gertrude were the twins. Except they were twin twins – two Morbids and two Silents.

  ‘Well,’ Morbid explained, ‘we both think things are better in twos, so we were wondering if they would be even better two times two.’

  ‘Are they real?’ said Betty. ‘Not just brilliant holograms?’

  ‘What do you think?’ said Gertrude. ‘Can you pick out the original Morbid and Silent?’

  No one could.

  ‘Wow,’ said Betty, particularly impressed after remembering how flaky her aunt’s magic had been when they’d first met.

  Betty was the only one who knew about the invisible Undo Button on Gertrude’s forehead, which the old witch now touched to make the copy twins vanish. Before the actual twins could complain, Gertrude turned to Valla and raised her hand again.

  The air in the room grew thick and heavy, and everyone moved as though they were in one of those nightmares where you wanted to run away but couldn’t because your legs felt like they were stuck in thick treacle. Except the thick treacle was not treacle. It was blood.

  This was Valla’s favourite fantasy.

  ‘OMG,’ he said.

  ‘Is it real blood?’ said Betty.

  Valla scooped some of the liquid in his hand and drank it.

  ‘Oh yes, it’s real blood, all right,’ he said, drinking more. ‘Human, too.’

  ‘Human?’ said Winchflat. ‘Which human?’

  ‘All of them,’ said Gertrude.

  ‘What?’ said everyone.

  ‘All of them,’ said Gertrude. ‘A human body has approximately five litres of blood, and there’s quite a few hundred litres of blood here. So I just took one pinprick of blood from every living human on Earth.’

  ‘OMG,’ said Valla again. ‘You’ve made the ultimate cocktail.’

  ‘Well, I think it’s gross,’ said Betty, ‘but seriously impressive.’

  ‘Indeed, little sister,’ said Winchflat.

  By then Valla had drunk all that he could and was filling up as many containers as he could get his hands on. Everyone else felt as if they were going to throw up,70 but before they did Gertrude tapped her Undo Button and the blood vanished – including the stuff Valla had collected.71