Floods 11 Read online

  ‘But isn’t it haunted by tormented souls who wail and gnash their ghostly teeth in a neverending cry for peace?’ said Ffiona.

  ‘Yes, and?’ said Betty. ‘Isn’t every house in Transylvania Waters? I mean, a house is not a home without a few damp ghosts.’

  ‘But …’ Ffiona began.

  There were times when being a human in a world of wizards could be rather frightening. The Hulberts did their best to fit in and were definitely happier than they had ever been living in Acacia Avenue, but sometimes it was hard not to panic when you woke up in the night with slimy things, which lived in EVERY room of the castle in the same way that cockroaches live in EVERY room of human houses, chewing your pillow. It was true, the slimy things always smiled and hummed a nice little tune, which cockroaches don’t, but even so.

  ‘Yes, I know,’ said Betty. ‘It’s difficult for you, but believe me, ghosts are just part of life here and none of them can hurt you, even the ones with bits falling off them who snarl at you. They are just being cheeky and winding you up.’

  ‘I know, I know,’ said Ffiona. ‘But it’s taking some getting used to. Anyway, how can you find out who the building belongs to?’

  ‘I know who it belongs to,’ said Betty. ‘The old lady who ran the tearoom.’

  ‘But she’s dead.’

  ‘So?’ said Betty. ‘We’ll just go to the cemetery and have a seance and bring her spirit back from the dead. I’m sure if we offer her a share of the profits, she’ll give us a good deal.’

  ‘A seance?’ said Ffiona very nervously.

  ‘Yes,’ said Betty. ‘The next full moon we’ll go to the cemetery at midnight and make contact.’

  ‘C-c-c-c-contac-t-t?’ Ffiona stammered.

  ‘Yes, it’ll be great,’ said Betty. ‘I might even call up some of mum’s old relatives who I’ve never met. We could have a bit of a party.’

  ‘P-p-p-party?’ mumbled Ffiona and fainted.

  ‘That girl’s up to something,’ said Mordonna. ‘I know she is.’

  ‘They’re just selling lemonade,’ said Nerlin. ‘I think it’s great that they’re showing a bit of enterprise.’

  ‘Lemonade? What lemonade?’ said Mordonna. ‘It’s the first I’ve heard of it.’

  ‘Well, if you went out a bit more, you’d see the girls have got a lemonade stand right opposite here.’

  ‘I didn’t say they could do that,’ said Mordonna. ‘Why wasn’t I told?’

  ‘I think you’re being a bit harsh, my dear,’ said Nerlin. ‘They’re just making a bit of pocket money selling homemade lemonade.’

  ‘Don’t you believe it,’ said Mordonna. ‘Betty has got very sneaky recently. I mean, when I went up to those three Cookery Witches, she and her friend were already there. I sent three guards to stop them just in case, but when I checked, there was no sign of them. You mark my words, our daughter is up to something.’

  ‘Come on, she’s just a child,’ said Nerlin. ‘You’re just in a bad mood with her because of her dreadful cooking.’

  ‘You just wait and see,’ said Mordonna.

  ‘I think you’re being a little paranoid,’ said Nerlin. ‘I mean, what’s the worst thing that could happen?’

  ‘Well, um,’ said Mordonna, ‘um, they could make so much money selling lemonade they could start a restaurant and end up poisoning thousands of people.’

  ‘They’re going to make enough money selling glasses of lemonade to start a restaurant?’ said Nerlin. ‘Oh, come on. I think you’re getting a bit obsessed about all this.’

  ‘I suppose so,’ said Mordonna, ‘but I definitely think Betty’s up to something.’

  ‘I tell you what I’ll do,’ said Nerlin. ‘I’ll go down and buy a glass of their lemonade and check things out.’

  ‘Maybe I’ll come with you.’

  ‘No, you wait here,’ said Nerlin. ‘You know Betty’s a bit, um, you know, secretive with you. I’ll find out a lot more on my own.’

  ‘Oh yes,’ said Mordonna. ‘Quite the daddy’s little girl, isn’t she?’

  Nerlin shook his head and left the room. Mordonna seemed to be really down on Betty lately and he hadn’t the faintest idea why. He went out to the Dead Patch, a garden of every poisonous plant known to man, goat and wizard, at the back of the castle. It was a small, dark, damp place tucked in between the tall granite wall that surrounded Castle Twilight and a row of dense yew trees that were the oldest living things in the whole of Transylvania Waters. Some people thought the trees were over four thousand years old and they were right. The little garden was the perfect place for his mother-in-law the Queen Mother’s grave and Nerlin often went there when he needed to talk to someone about any problem he might have.

  The old queen might be his wife’s mother, but she had a soft spot for Nerlin.14

  ‘What’s bothering you, my dear boy?’ said the Queen Mother.

  ‘It’s your daughter,’ said Nerlin. ‘She’s been very moody lately, particularly with young Betty.’

  ‘You mean the food thing?’

  ‘Not just that, Mother-in-law. She seems down on her over anything.’

  ‘I wouldn’t worry,’ said the Queen Mother. ‘It’s a traditional mother–daughter thing. One minute Betty is her little baby and the next she is turning into a beautiful young witch and Mordonna feels threatened.’

  ‘Oh,’ said Nerlin, who really hadn’t the faintest idea what the Queen Mother was talking about.

  ‘I was the same with her,’ said the Queen Mother. ‘One day, I realised she was prettier than I was and was becoming a full-blown witch with awesome powers. Until then she had been dependent on me. The next, I was just an annoying old lady.’

  ‘Well, that’s hardly going to be a problem,’ said Nerlin. ‘Betty is totally useless at magic.’

  ‘Most little girls are,’ said the Queen Mother, ‘but I wouldn’t be so sure that she still is.’

  ‘Oh no,’ said Nerlin. ‘I mean she once turned a little boy into a fridge, when all she meant to do was frighten him. That’s how useless her magic is. I can’t see her improving that much.’

  ‘You’d be surprised.’

  ‘So why hasn’t Mordonna said anything to me about it?’

  ‘Because she won’t admit she’s jealous of her own daughter,’ the Queen Mother explained. ‘She won’t admit it to herself, so she’s hardly going to talk to you about it.’

  ‘What should I do?’

  ‘Just stand back a bit and also support Betty,’ said the Queen Mother. ‘I don’t mean get into a fight with Mordonna over it, but just let Betty know you love her. Now go and get some lemonade and you can bring a glass back for me too. I’ll have the one with live tadpoles as long as they haven’t started growing their legs yet. I can’t stand it when their little legs get all tangled up in my veins.’

  When Nerlin got to the lemonade stand, there was a queue right down the street and back round the corner. It was another scorching hot day, but even so he was surprised how many people were waiting to get a drink.

  Good job I wore my crown, he thought as everyone smiled and moved aside for him, otherwise I’d have to go to the end of the queue and who knows where that is?

  ‘Hello, Daddy,’ said Betty. ‘How about a nice glass of lemonade?’

  ‘I would love one, darling. I’ll have a glass of the deluxe with the warts and another with tadpoles for your grandmother,’ said Nerlin.

  Nerlin realised that the Queen Mother had been absolutely right in her assessment of the Mordonna–Betty situation. Betty was growing into the cleverest witch the world had ever seen. She wasn’t there yet, but it wouldn’t take long and without a doubt Mordonna could sense this change in her daughter, though even in her wildest dreams she could never guess just how brilliant Betty would turn out to be. Apart from the cooking, of course. That would probably always be dreadful. It was a fact that Betty would end up being much more skilled than her mother and although Mordonna would have a hard time coming to terms with that, she woul
d end up being incredibly proud of her daughter just as the Queen Mother was incredibly proud of Mordonna. Nerlin, of course, had always been incredibly proud of his youngest child and wasn’t at all surprised Betty was becoming more powerful. Even when she had been a baby and had thrown up over those strange middle-aged ladies who always made silly cooing noises whenever they see little children, Nerlin had known in his heart that it hadn’t been an accident.

  Betty herself wasn’t really aware of the changes that were happening to her, though she was surprised that her magic kept working how she had always wanted it to. When no one was looking, she kept doing little spells, just to check that it was still working.

  Here are a few of the bits of magic she tried when no one was looking:

  • There was a family of nasty cats living in Castle Twilight.15 One night Betty crept up behind the leader and poked it with a stick. It turned and spat at her and just as it threw itself at her with all its teeth and claws flashing, Betty did a Cuddly Spell and all the cats turned into irresistible little Labrador puppies.

  • There was a street of nasty lawyers and accountants in Dreary, and one night Betty stood at the end of the street, waving a big handful of money in the air. When the smell of the money drifted into their offices, all the lawyers and accountants came rushing out and Betty did a Cuddly Spell, which turned them into irresistible little Labrador puppies.

  • She crept into Dreary’s main supermarket and did a Yummy Spell, which turned all the Vegemite into stuff that actually tasted really nice. She also turned the bacon into a really pretty shade of bright pink with lovely green streaks.

  And finally after doing dozens of spells of every shape and size without a single failure, Betty went to the big one, the ULTIMATE spell.

  On a clear moonlit night, she went up to the roof of Castle Twilight to attempt THE FLYING SPELL. This is the ULTIMATE spell, the REALLY seriously heavy-duty advanced spell of spells and most wizards even after centuries of successful magic wouldn’t even dream of attempting it. Those that do, try it standing on a chair to make sure they don’t hurt themselves when they fail, which almost all of them do. Of course, they can always fly with a magic broomstick or flying carpet, but that is nothing compared to the ultimate freedom of simply flying free with no rugs or sticks or any other gadgets.16 Neither Mordonna nor Nerlin nor any of her brothers and sisters had even thought of attempting it, but for as long as she could remember Betty had known in her soul that the spell would work perfectly.

  And now it was time.

  She stood on the very edge of a parapet at the top of the tallest tower, chanted the spell and threw herself off.

  It was fantastic.

  She spread her arms and flew like a bird. She soared high into the air until she could see the entire city of Dreary spread beneath her like a toy. And it was a toy – her toy – and nothing would ever be the same again. She may have been the youngest of the seven Floods children, but she knew that one day she would be the Queen of Transylvania Waters and not just Transylvania Waters, but the ruler of every wizard on earth.

  She drifted down in a long slow arc over the houses and gardens, out past the town and over the fields towards Lake Tarnish and a small cottage set apart in a wild and beautiful garden on the edge of the lake. This was where her grandfather, Merlin the 84th, had gone to live when the Floods had come back to Transylvania Waters and Nerlin had become King.

  Betty had always been in awe of her grandfather and only actually met him a few times at family gatherings like Christmas, but now she felt that it was time to get to know the old man better. And she was right, because as she flew low over Merlin’s cottage, there he was standing out on the lawn looking up at her.

  ‘Well, well, well,’ he said with a big smile as he wrapped his arms round his granddaughter. ‘At long last.’

  ‘Hello, Grandfather,’ said Betty, feeling a wave of incredible wisdom flow over her.

  ‘I hoped a day like this would come,’ said the old man as they sat down inside the cottage. ‘I can’t say I was upset when my only son, your father, turned out like he did. I love him dearly and he has a kind nature, but, um, how can I put it without sounding disappointed?’

  ‘You knew he would never be able to do THE FLYING SPELL, Grandfather?’ said Betty.

  ‘Exactly!’ said Merlin. ‘Now there is much to do.’

  The two most important things, Merlin told her, were to make sure she told absolutely no one that she could fly. Most people wouldn’t believe it anyway, but some who did would be furious with jealousy and do their utmost to kill her or transform her into a bow-legged chicken or a bowl of bow-legged chicken soup.

  ‘I realise that flying is the most exciting thing that has ever happened to you,’ the old man said, ‘which makes it really hard to keep it to yourself, but that is exactly what you must to. You cannot ever tell your best friend, Ffiona.’

  ‘I know,’ said Betty. ‘And what is the second most important thing?’

  ‘Well, you are still a child. No one younger than about two centuries old has ever flown before, but this phenomenal talent carries a huge responsibility for the whole of wizardkind and demands a maturity that you would not normally expect to have until you have reached three score years and ten,’ Merlin explained. ‘You must not let it go to your head.’

  ‘I will do my best, Grandfather,’ said Betty, for she did realise just how important it all was.

  ‘You will come to visit me often and I will teach you everything I can,’ said the old man. ‘In the meantime, I will give you a dozen Special Rubbish Spells for you to use so that people still think you are useless at magic. If you suddenly become successful at everything, they will become suspicious.’

  Betty told her grandfather how she and Ffiona wanted to start a restaurant and that Mordonna and the rest of the family were all against it.

  ‘We’ll have a huge amount of fights to get that all up and running,’ she said.

  ‘Excellent,’ said Merlin. ‘That sounds like a perfect bit of camouflage. Now let’s go inside and have a Goat’s Nostril Pie. You’re not the only one in this family who can cook strange and exciting food, you know!’

  The next night when everyone was fast asleep,17 Betty went along to Ffiona’s room and woke her up.

  ‘Come on,’ she whispered. ‘We’re going to try and make contact with the Teashop Lady.’

  ‘Do you need me to come?’ said Ffiona. ‘I’m sure you can handle it on your own.’

  ‘You have to come as a witness.’

  ‘A witness? A witness to what?’ said Ffiona, imagining white ghosts rising out of the ground and flapping round like epileptic bed sheets.

  ‘To witness this,’ said Betty, holding up a sheet of paper. ‘It’s a contract for the Teashop Lady to sell us the old shop.’

  ‘Can you sign a contract with a dead person?’ said Ffiona. ‘I mean, would it stand up in court?’

  ‘Dead people can’t stand up anywhere,’ said Betty. ‘But, that’s OK, this contract is back-dated before she died.’

  ‘Well, can’t you just forge her signature and pretend she signed it?’ said Ffiona. ‘I mean, no one will know what her handwriting was like.’

  ‘I wouldn’t dream of it,’ said Betty. ‘That’s dishonest.’

  ‘But …’ Ffiona protested.

  It was another clear night with the whole world bathed in an ice-blue light, which was strange because there was no moon.

  ‘Come on,’ said Betty. ‘Don’t be such a baby. She’s just a little old lady.’

  ‘Yes, but she’s a dead little old lady,’ said Ffiona.

  ‘Exactly. She’ll be no trouble at all.’

  Earlier that day Betty had collected everything she needed. This was stuff she had read about in two excellent books she’d found in the Castle Twilight library: Jack and Jill Have a Seance and the sequel, Jack and Jill Decompose, which were both full of really useful stuff about what to wear, the best pickaxe to use and how to get marrow stains
out of a new blouse. She had also been down to the local amulet shop and bought a whole lot of useful stuff like rancid goose grease, which you are supposed to smear all over your body so that if an undead person grabs hold of you, you can slip out of their grasp.

  She already had her own collection of magic wands, carbuncle concentrate and pus-filled pig’s bladders, so when it was time to go, all she had to do was make a thermos of tea and put a couple of clam and ear-wax pies in her pocket for when she got hungry later and she was all set.

  Ffiona whinged all the way there, and it was all Betty could do to stop herself shutting her friend up with a Zipper Spell, which turns a person’s lips into a zip and is non-reversible.

  Betty had never been to the graveyard at night before and she was amazed at how busy it was. During the day it was as quiet as the grave, which was hardly surprising because wizard funerals are always held at midnight. To bury a wizard in daylight is considered to be in very bad taste and a huge insult to the corpse. There were no funerals being held that night – Betty had checked beforehand – but there were a lot of people visiting graves to feed their rotting relatives, or to make sure the flowers were nice and dead, and of course there were the usual tourists looking for famous graves.

  Betty had already found out where the Teashop Lady was buried by using the Google Under-The-Earth app. Fortunately, she was in the quietest, most unfashionable part of the cemetery where people no one had liked were buried. These graves were heavier and darker than normal graves, as each of them was buried under several tons of concrete just in case any of the residents decided they might like to come back. To be fair to the Teashop Lady, her unpopularity had not been her fault. It hadn’t been her dropping things on her customers and killing them. It had all been down to King Quatorze, but as she owned the teashop she had ended up getting the blame.

  Betty knew it would be hard to summon her up with two metres of concrete covering her, but she had already memorised a Transport-Things-Through-Very-Thick-Things Spell and had practised using it by resurrecting a dead kangaroo, which had been buried under a big rock over twelve thousand kilometres away on the other side of the planet. It was now hopping around the suburbs of Dreary making everyone jump out of their skins including itself.