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  ‘It is, it is,’ said Betty and gave her aunt a big hug.

  ‘Well, I can’t say I’m enjoying a second childhood, because I never had a first one,’ Gertrude said. ‘But I’m jolly well going to make sure I get the best out of this one.

  ‘I might even get a boyfriend,’ she added. ‘I’ve never had one of those.’

  The two of them agreed that once Gertrude transferred the Ultimate Super-Wizard powers to Betty, her niece would give her a makeover.

  ‘I wouldn’t want to appear like some pathetic old lady done up to look young,’ said Gertrude.

  ‘You won’t,’ said Betty. ‘You’ll just have a lot less wrinkles and no grey hair, and above all else, you will look ten, no, let’s say twenty years younger than my mother.’

  ‘You are so wicked,’ said Gertrude, giving Betty a hug. ‘Do you think you could teach me how to be wicked?’

  ‘Sure, no problem,’ said Betty. ‘But what are we going to do now?’

  ‘Well, if I’m not mistaken,’ said Gertrude, ‘your parents have just set up a plan so that when you agree to bring your father to meet me, your mother will disguise herself as an old washerwoman – not very original, I might add – and she will follow you at a safe distance with the help of a tame homing pigeon. So this is what I suggest we do …’

  The next day after breakfast Nerlin and Betty set out for the forest. Betty took a complicated route that would be impossible for Nerlin to remember, even if he were hypnotised. Betty had got Gertrude to tattoo the route on the back of her eyelids, so if she came to a turn on the path all she had to do was shut her eyes for a second to see which way to go.

  Nerlin had even forgotten which turn went where before they left town, but he didn’t care. After all, there were times when he got lost inside Castle Twilight, where there were so many corridors and rooms that looked the same.

  Mordonna, now heavily disguised as a bent, old washerwoman, cursed and complained as she followed her husband and daughter along just out of sight. If it hadn’t been for the trained Guide Pigeon she’d sent after them, she would never have managed to find the way.

  ‘Daddy, there’s a pigeon following us,’ said Betty. ‘But then you already know that, don’t you?’

  ‘Pigeon, what pigeon?’ Nerlin said, trying to look innocent and completely failing to do so.

  There was a flapping of wings, and feathers drifted down from the sky as a fairly big eagle landed in front of them with a pigeon in its mouth.

  ‘This one,’ said Betty.

  ‘Morning,’ said the eagle.

  ‘Good morning, eagle,’ said Betty. ‘You are not so much a carrier pigeon, as a pigeon carrier.’

  ‘Do you want me to rip it to shreds, young mistress?’ said the eagle.

  ‘No, I don’t think so,’ said Betty. ‘Why don’t you fly as fast as you can right to the far end of Transylvania Waters, and pop the pigeon down on top of a nice high mountain?’

  Mordonna had crept up through the undergrowth just in time to see her Guide Pigeon carried off into the distance.

  Oh yes, Miss Smartypants, think you’ve won, haven’t you? Mordonna said to herself, and pulled a spare Guide Pigeon out of her washerwoman’s rags.

  This too was carried away by the eagle as soon as it returned, and so was the third. The final bird had been a mistake because it wasn’t so much a Guide Pigeon as a Homing Pigeon, and once it was released from Mordonna’s laundry bag, it simply turned round and flew straight back home.

  Mordonna had only brought three spare pigeons, but she did have another trick up her sleeve. In fact, she had two – one up each sleeve. She had a pair of Guide Rats, and so she managed to keep on the trail of her daughter and husband right up until they reached Gertrude’s hidden cave. By then, one of the Guide Rats had been skilfully and fairly painlessly converted into the eagle’s lunch. The other rat was still working because the eagle had fallen fast asleep after its lunch due to the fact Mordonna had sprayed the second rat’s fur with sleeping potion.

  One up to me, I think, Mordonna said to herself, settling down to wait outside Gertrude’s hideout.

  ‘Your mother is hiding behind a tree, just across the clearing,’ said Gertrude as Betty and Nerlin walked into the cave.

  ‘Oh no!’ said Betty.

  ‘It’s all right,’ said Gertrude. ‘I’ve given her something to keep her occupied.’

  Then Gertrude and Nerlin hugged and cried a little, and Nerlin stopped feeling guilty about the killing-his-sister idea because he had completely dismissed it.

  ‘My wife will try to kill you. We should do something,’ said Nerlin, realising that blood was thicker than water and even if his brain was thicker than Mordonna’s, there was no way he would help his wife destroy his sister, who he now realised he had missed more than he could imagine.

  ‘It’s all right, Nermie,’ said Gertrude, using the childhood nickname she had given him. ‘It’s under control.’

  ‘Oh, Germie, I have missed you,’ said Nerlin.

  Outside the cave was a loud noise that sounded as if every single swear word in the history of the world that had been collected together and stuffed inside Mordonna had been released. They poured out with such ferocity that all the leaves on the trees blushed bright red and fell off. As she cursed and cursed and cursed, Mordonna tore off her filthy old washerwoman’s disguise until she stood nearly naked outside the cave’s entrance.

  ‘Let’s go and see what all that shouting’s about, shall we?’ said Gertrude.

  As Gertrude, Nerlin and Betty emerged, there, standing in front of them, where someone who had once been the most beautiful and captivating witch in galaxies everywhere should have been, was a disgusting filthy old washerwoman.

  But this was no disguise – this was Mordonna.

  Everyone was speechless. Everyone except Betty, who tried so hard to stop laughing that she almost wet herself.

  ‘You should cover yourself up, Mother,’ she said, when she was finally able to speak. ‘You could scare little children to death looking like that.’

  Mordonna threw herself on the ground, screaming and cursing and banging her fists into the earth.

  The eagle, who had slept off his potion, landed beside Mordonna, glanced at her once then twice and said, ‘I’m not carrying that off anywhere,’ then fainted.

  Somehow or other they managed to herd Mordonna into a small cave with a very strong door, where it was agreed they would leave her inside until she calmed down.

  ‘Which,’ as everyone said, ‘could take years.’

  ‘Of course,’ said Betty, ‘if we didn’t feed her, she would calm down permanently, and it wouldn’t take that long either.’

  Fortunately that was a joke.

  Later that night, when Nerlin had been tucked into bed, Gertrude took Betty down into the deepest cave and transferred the Ultimate Super-Wizard powers to her niece.

  ‘I know I don’t have to tell you not to abuse these awesome powers,’ said Gertrude, ‘but you can have a little fun with them if you want.’

  She also transferred the Undo Button to Betty, but not to her forehead.82

  * * *

  THIS ILLUSTRATION IS BEEN BLOCKED

  By the PNS-ISA*

  * * *

  Although Betty said she’d do her auntie’s makeover straight away, Gertrude decided to wait until everyone, especially Mordonna, had calmed down and all the who-was-going-to-be-King-or-Queen stuff had been sorted out.

  ‘That’s easy,’ said Gertrude at breakfast the next day. ‘I haven’t the slightest desire to be Queen. You couldn’t pay me to take the job.’

  ‘I wouldn’t mind even if you did want it,’ said Nerlin. ‘I just want to go up to the Enchanted Valley and take life easy. You know, keep a few chickens – ordinary ones, not magic ones – grow some flowers and sit in a big comfy chair looking down the mountain at the perfection that is Transylvania Waters.’

  ‘Well, that’s exactly what I want too,’ said Gertrude. ‘I don�
�t suppose your cottage has a spare bedroom?’

  Nerlin went a sort of mauve colour, which is like a human going white, but doesn’t work for wizards who are white to start with. The thought of his sister moving into his peaceful cottage where he planned to spend the rest of his days was terrible.

  Of course, Gertrude was just winding her brother up. Winchflat had already created the copy of the Enchanted Valley with a cottage for Gertrude, but neither Nerlin nor Mordonna knew that.

  ‘Except,’ Gertrude continued, ‘I’ve only seen a little part of this land of wizards. I’d quite like to travel around for a bit before retiring in your Enchanted Valley. Though, I might find somewhere better during my travels.’

  Getting the Ultimate Super-Wizard powers also meant getting a massive amount of incredible wisdom. While Betty decided she would take things slowly as she grew into her awesomeness, she did one tiny spell that removed any possible threat of misunderstanding. She swapped Nerlin’s and Gertrude’s birthdays around. Nerlin became a bit older – which was what he felt, anyway – though Betty did fix his bad back while she was at it. And Gertrude became a bit younger, which was what she needed because she felt that after so many years in the drains, she had a lot of catching up to do.

  It took Mordonna quite a while to calm down. Everyone thought they ought to feel a lot guiltier than they did about leaving her locked in the cave as a disgusting old washerwoman. It even took Nerlin, her loving husband, a few days before he began to feel sorry for her.

  Finally, on Thursday afternoon, Nerlin went to the cave on his own and unlocked the door. He explained to Mordonna that Gertrude had no intention of claiming the throne and that she had transferred the Ultimate Super-Wizard powers to Betty – which made Mordonna want to explode – and that the first thing Betty had done with them had been to make Nerlin the oldest twin, which made Mordonna calm down and start coming to terms with Betty being Queen.

  ‘After all,’ Mordonna said, ‘it’s quite a status symbol to be the Queen Mother.’

  ‘It is indeed, my darling,’ Nerlin agreed. ‘Especially when you are the mother of not only the Queen of all witches and wizards, but of the witch who carries the Ultimate Super-Wizard powers – the only one who can undo the Washerwoman Spell and make you beautiful again.’

  This did not take a lot of thinking about. When Mordonna had been turned into a wrinkled old hag, she knew that the Ultimate Super-Wizard powers were definitely real. What she didn’t know was that Betty had done a few more special little spells that made the idea of Nerlin not being King and herself not being Queen anymore seem like quite a nice peaceful idea and the obvious thing to do. After all, which of Mordonna’s children was the most like her?

  Queen Betty.

  There would be a great coronation. None of the Floods really wanted it, but it was sort of expected and everyone would’ve been so disappointed if they hadn’t had one.

  ‘And think of all the brilliant presents you’ll get,’ said Merlinmary.

  ‘Oh, all right,’ said Betty. ‘But first, Auntie Gertrude and I are going to spend a few months taking a nice relaxing trip around Transylvania Waters. We’ll do the coronation stuff when we get back.’

  ‘Before you go, could you do me a favour?’ asked Satanella.

  ‘Of course,’ said Betty, and changed her back into a small, black hairy dog.

  Having realised how badly she had treated him, Satanella went searching for Tristram Jolyon De-Vere Creak to beg his forgiveness. She couldn’t find him, and anyway, it was too late by then. Tristram had fallen in love with and married a small Belgian poodle called Lotte Marie Hanne Estlewurter.

  Fortunately, the rule about only being able to be any particular species83 could be overturned by the holder of the Ultimate Super-Wizard powers,84 and Betty had only been too happy to change Tristram back into a dog and together he and Lotte had gone to the most sophisticated resort in the Belgian seaside town of Knokke-Heist, where they lived happily ever after, having lots of weird-looking puppies and running a charming teashop for dogs where every customer got a free red rubber ball with their afternoon tea.

  The next morning, Queen Betty and Aunt Gertrude set off on their trip around Transylvania Waters. They didn’t travel in great style with servants and carriages, but on two horses.

  For six months they went from village to village, and then for six months after that they went from different villages to some more villages.

  ‘I’m thinking,’ Gertrude had said after the first six months, ‘that maybe I’d like my makeover now. I might keep my eyes open for a boyfriend while we travel. I’ve never had one of them, so maybe I’ll get more than one.’

  And she did.

  ‘And maybe,’ Gertrude said to Betty, as they went to Patagonia and travelled around there for a bit, ‘you will find a husband.’

  And did she?

  Notes

  * Actually, out of the drains beneath Dreary.

  ** As well as a face, there is a body and all the other bits.

  *** Though the answer to ‘Is this really the last Floods novel?’ is not to be found anywhere.

  1 See the back of this book for a list of some fascinating communities that lived in the high valleys surrounding Transylvania Waters. And by the way, if you’re expecting to see a picture of an outside-in weaver, you’ll be disappointed. If you really want to know what their stomachs looked like, go to your nearest dog-food factory and check out the dustbins for the bits they reject before they are made into human burgers – that is, burgers for humans to eat, not burgers made of humans.

  2 Except for the beautiful spring evenings, beautiful summer evenings and beautiful winter evenings.

  3 This is the plural for ‘gelato’, which is yuppie speak for ice-cream. This is not to be confused with Gelatoe, which is a disease of the foot. My favourite Transylvania Waters gelato flavour is Bacon and Chocolate Surprise, which isn’t like that pretentious yuppie chocolate that is nearly black, but is lovely rich milky stuff bursting at the seams with happiness and cholesterol.

  4 See The Floods 12: Bewitched.

  5 Some people even kept quail.

  6 Transylvania Waters’s top-selling book was Gardening for Birdwatchers. Transylvania Waters’s second bestselling book was Birdwatching for Gardeners. Nerlin himself was working on a book called Chicken- and Duck-Watching for Garden Birds, which his publisher predicted would outsell all others, including his classic Duck-Watching for Chickens.

  7 This was true and obvious, really. As every wizard knew, humans were stuck in the Dark Ages.

  8 Goldie was a handsome but dumb labrador with a stupid, pathetic, typically unimaginative name that only a labrador owner would come up with. Satanella was almost tempted to do a spell to turn Goldie’s fur black.

  9 Nearly all people, including most wizards, do not know this, but there is something that is FAR MORE POWERFUL than regular wizard magic. It is called ULTIMATE SUPER-WIZARD POWERS, and those who have heard of it do not believe it actually exists, BUT it does, as we shall soon discover. See the back of this book for a chart comparing Pathetic Human non-powers, Standard Wizard powers and Ultimate Super-Wizard powers.

  10 See The Floods 12: Bewitched.

  11 Think of your First True Love and cross out the ones that don’t apply. If you have not yet had a First True Love, you can find one at your local shopping mall buying zit cream at the chemist.

  12 This was proved to be true when Bert ended up marrying Princess Kolesteroll of Siberia, who used to carry him around tucked between her third and fourth chins.

  13 See footnote 10.

  14 At least it covered his bottom, which made everyone else happy.

  15 In Transylvania Waters all animals can talk, even cats, which are actually quite popular with witches and wizards on account of them being selfish animals who love no one but themselves.

  16 That, and to fetch dead birds when humans hunt them down, and to join up with other dogs to pull sleds along, and to bark at strangers, a
nd to steal dirty nappies, and to keep old ladies’ laps warm, and …

  17 Which is like Vegemite, only far less positive.

  18 Now, as everyone knows, cats are evil creatures. If you think cats are lovely, you have been totally taken in by them pretending to like you. The truth is that they’re only ‘nice’ to you to get stuff like food and warmth. If it were the middle of winter and VERY cold, your cat would sleep in the warmest place in your house – your face. Then you would suffocate and die and your lifeless body would go cold. Then your cat would go sleep somewhere else. THAT is how much your cat loves you. Despite how popular cats are with witches and wizards, there are some that even witches can’t love and other cats that simply want nothing at all to do with people. These are the ones that Tristram was being taken to visit.

  19 These terrible dreams took place in the middle of a very dark night and involved two enormous black horses, some rope and a bacon slicer.

  20 Yes, I know, it’s amazing – a cat and a dog becoming good friends. But don’t forget this was happening in Transylvania Waters, the land of magic.