Floods 11 Page 10
MIXING INSTRUCTIONS
Remove the contents of the first tube of condensed milk by taking the top off, putting the tube in your mouth and squeezing the tube until it is empty. Repeat with the second tube.
Go and lie down for a bit.
Eat 17 cherries. Squeeze the contents of the third tube of condensed milk into a blender. Eat 17 more cherries. Put the rest of the cherries in the blender with the peach and the chocolate Blend on HIGH for four and a half minutes.
Pour into a small bucket and add sugar, condensed milk, chocolate and cherries to taste.
For a Health Boost chop up half a mint leaf and sprinkle on top, but don’t over do it. In fact you had better add more condensed milk to balance the mint. Make sure you have licked the bucket clean, because you are probably going to need it.
If you were expecting to read about the massively successful Grand Opening of The Devil’s Kitchen, you’ll have to wait until The Floods 12, though before that there will be lots of stuff about it, including some Very Exciting Recipes (better start collecting dead rats and some cockroaches now), in …
P.S.
* Because it was raining, I didn’t want to go out into the garden, so I drew this tree from memory. This means that some of the twigs might be a bit different from the actual tree.
1 It was an unknown and sometimes frightening journey when Betty boiled an egg. Either time would slow right down so the egg would boil for an hour, or it would burst with a loud explosion and some weird creature would leap out of the boiling water. Several eggs had simply leapt out of the saucepan and rolled away, making strange gurgling noises. (There is a rumour that these eggs hatched out into history teachers with really bad breath and incredibly thick glasses. Oh no, hold on, that was just my history teacher at grammar school.)
2 Such as making it edible or transport itself to a remote Belgian compost heap.
3 See the back of this book to find exactly what sending your dinner into another dimension can do to the whole Space-Time Continuum – especially as, in the particular dimension where Betty’s Toe Cheese and Vegemite Bake ended up, indigestion medicine hadn’t been invented.
4 When I say ‘ended happily’, I mean for the Floods, not necessarily anyone else.
5 Which didn’t help, because Betty thought she was actually getting better and better.
6 Of course, she forever denied any knowledge of how the tune got on her iPod in the first place, even when a CD – The Belgian Cycling Orchestra’s Greatest Hits – was found in the back of her wardrobe.
7 That is QUITE enough Georges for now, thank you, says my publisher, who is not called George on account of being a girl, though she does have a distant cousin called Georgina who plays rugby for Belgium.
8 Dingly Frycatchers are like Flycatchers except instead of eating flies they eat bacon.
9 Basically a stew made of animals that are very good at hopping, like Kangaroos, Hares and Very Frightened Mice.
10 If you think there’s going to be a footnote here telling you to look in the back of this book to find out the sort of odd jobs you can do to get fifty thousand dollars, well, there isn’t.
11 Probably due to Betty’s Dry Mouth Spell that she had cast in a wide circle around the lemonade stand.
12 Research shows that this often happens to young witches at about the same time they start wearing bras and looking at boys in a whole new light (i.e. not as being closely related to slugs, but actually rather nice).
13 See the back of this book to find out what fancies are and how to make them.
14 Actually, she had quite a lot of soft spots, some of them in places where no one wants a soft spot, but hey, she was old. She didn’t have to impress anyone. So it was all right with her even if the occasional worm did burrow into her bone marrow.
15 Yes, we all know that every cat is a nasty evil creature, but these were worse than that.
16 The number of wizards who have managed THE FLYING SPELL successfully can be counted on the fingers of one hand. Or rather, they could until the wizard who was keeping a count lost all of his fingers in a bet.
17 Except this IS Castle Twilight in Transylvania Waters – the home country of wizards – so there is no time when everyone is fast asleep. There are many, many creatures of darkness roaming about all night long, sucking the blood out of sleeping things and digging up dead things for a quick snack. What that sentence really means is that Betty waited until she reckoned both her parents were asleep. Though it’s hard to tell with Nerlin, as he sleeps on his back with his eyes wide open.
18 See the back of this book for information about THE most delicious drink EVER.
19 See ‘Nerlin’s Shed’ in The Floods Family Files.
20 Do not try this at home or anywhere else, especially at traffic lights or while sitting on the lavatory.
21 Nerlin only collected black stamps. He didn’t care which country they were from or how rare they were, just so long as they were black. He had recently started a second collection, where every stamp had a picture of a frog on it. This was a very small collection, but it would soon become much, much bigger when the new Transylvania Waters Post Office Exciting Stamp Set – Frogs of the World were put on sale. You can do that sort of thing when you are a king.
22 See The Floodsopedia for more information.
23 This is NOT dollars spelled wrong. The Transylvania Waters currency is Dolors, and there are ninety-seven Scents (also NOT spelled wrong) in a dolor.
24 You will be able read ALL about this in The Floodsopedia book.
25 When they had lived in Acacia Avenue anyone who asked where they could wash their hands was always shown to a small room with a washbasin in it and no toilet. The Floods kept a box in the room so people who were just too embarrassed to say what they had really meant was the lavatory could stand on the box and pee in the sink. They always came out with bright red faces knowing that EVERYONE knew what they had been doing, especially since Winchflat had put a special microphone down the basin that was connected to a REALLY BIG loudspeaker so no one could pee in the sink without everyone in the house and for about a hundred metres down the street in both directions knowing. And for all those people out there who ARE embarrassed by talk of toilets and lavatories, here is a special message for you: Toilet, toilet, toilet, toilet, toilet, toilet, toilet, toilet, toilet, toilet, toilet, toilet, toilet, toilet, toilet, toilet, toilet, toilet, toilet, toilet, toilet, toilet, toilet, toilet, toilet, toilet, lavatory ‘wee-wee’ bottom.
26 And who can forget Mongolia’s elegantly simple yet artistically perfect winner – Fried Snow?
27 Which seems a bit pointless. Who could tell the difference?
28 ‘Escargatoire’ is the collective noun for a group of snails like ‘flock’ is the one for sheep and ‘complaint’ is the one for teachers. ‘Escargatoire’ is also used for a group of slugs who, after all, are just a bunch of snails who forgot to put their coats on.
29 Which was the best place for it.
30 By the way, this was a completely different snowdrift from the one the other two contestants were buried in, though it was the same bit of global warming.
31 Well, actually they might’ve, except Betty would have changed the million dollars into a million scorpions.
32 Which was probably why my mother always used to say, ‘Don’t talk with your mouth full.’ Except when she got old and was losing it she would say, ‘Don’t eat with your mouth open,’ and we used to ask her how we could actually get the food inside our mouths if they were shut and then she would do the Very Tight Mouth Thing.
33 The original crown had been made of 24-carat gold encrusted with rubies, but during the year it had been in Ulan Bator it had mysteriously disappeared.
34 Which are vampire bats that only suck the blood out of cricket players.
35 I know there are some quite imaginative things in The Floods, but I did NOT make this up! People really do this!
36 Which is like Google only with sick and phlegm.
This work is fictitious. Any resemblance to anyone living or dead is purely coincidental and if you complain about it, you could well end up in one of Betty’s stews.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted by any person or entity, including internet search engines or retailers, in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including printing, photocopying (except under the statutory exceptions provisions of the Australian Copyright Act 1968), recording, scanning or by any information storage and retrieval system without the prior written permission of Random House Australia. Any unauthorised distribution or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the author’s and publisher’s rights and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly.
Version 1.0
The Floods 11: Disasterchef
9781742756479
Published by Random House Australia in 2012
Copyright © Colin Thompson 2012
The moral right of the author has been asserted.
A Random House book
Published by Random House Australia Pty Ltd
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www.randomhouse.com.au
Addresses for companies within the Random House Group can be found at
www.randomhouse.com.au/offices.
First published by Random House Australia in 2012
National Library of Australia
Cataloguing-in-Publication Entry
Author: Thompson, Colin (Colin Edward)
Title: Disasterchef/Colin Thompson
ISBN: 978 1 86471 947 5 (pbk)
Series: Thompson, Colin (Colin Edward). Floods; 11
Target audience: For primary school age
Subjects: Cooking – Juvenile fiction
Dewey number: A823.3
Designs, illustrations and typesetting by Colin Thompson
Additional typesetting by Anna Warren, Warren Ventures Pty Ltd
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