Floods 9 Read online

  ‘And hopping on tiny seashells just doesn’t do it,’ said the chief penguin.

  Relieved of its contents, the massive wallet that that had been sinking into the lawn behind Aubergine’s house lay there in the rain feeling that its life had suddenly lost all meaning. Not only had all the money it had been holding gone, but so had the credit cards and even the ten-per-cent-off seniors card for the Zurich Cash’n’Carry. All that was left was a photograph of Aubergine’s tortoise, Bullion, and that had been chewed by ants.

  All the wallpaper disappeared from the walls of Aubergine’s house and six Swiss banks filed for bankruptcy. Every last cent everywhere, even the silver threepenny bits that Aubergine’s mother had always put in the Christmas pudding each year, had gone from their tin in the larder, and all the seventeen billion dollars that Aubergine had coaxed away from the population of New York was quietly returned to its previous owners.69

  Aubergine was penniless.70

  And he had never felt happier.

  Mordonna did the old Cinderella trick and turned a pumpkin into a little cottage on the shore of Lake Tarnish. There were roses round the door, organic broccoli growing in the back garden, six chickens who hated broccoli, an assortment of lost, lonely puppies who had been treated with the famous Transylvania Waters Stay A Little Puppy Forever spell and a book on how to teach yourself the banjo. This was very useful as Aubergine was suddenly overwhelmed with the desire to play hill-billy music. There were no books on how to teach yourself guitar because Chrysanthemum already knew. There was also a nursery and two prams because Mordonna knew things that Aubergine and his wife didn’t.

  The husband and wife moved into their cottage and lived happily ever after apart from a splinter Aubergine got in his big toe two years later.

  * * *

  63 The back of his other hand was tattooed with a map showing all the public toilets in Transylvania Waters. There was only one, so it was a very small map. He had maps and diagrams tattooed behind both knees and the soles of his feet were also tattooed: the left with a selection of Transylvania Waters’s favourite insects and the right with an index to remind him which tattoo was where on his body, including the one with the security codes to his safety deposit boxes, which were on a very secret part of his body.

  64 Who may or may not be real.

  65 The Scarlet Vampire Butterfly is a strange and wonderful creature. First of all, it is the only butterfly that lives on blood, and second, it is the only creature that people queue up to get bitten by, because in exchange for a tiny drop of blood the butterfly injects them with an equal amount of its own dribble, which contains a chemical that turns them into a floaty happy hippy for the rest of the day. Some people actually keep a Scarlet Vampire Butterfly as a pet and have a little bite before they get up each morning. This, of course, is completely different from the Purple Vampire Butterfly, which makes you feel really, really Belgian for the rest of the day. If you are already Belgian then it makes you feel Welsh. If you are at all colourblind you are advised to avoid the forests of Transylvania Waters where these insects live.

  66 So did my editor.

  67 Which as we all know is not possible because ALL puns are good puns.

  68 Apart from the radioactive bit buried in the heart of the Chernobyl nuclear reactor. Winchflat had included a Dangerous Filter in the magnet so that stayed where it was.

  69 Apart from $12,465,977.25 that had belonged to a really bad-tempered old lady called Chlorine VanderVelde Rooschild who was so mean she even made her illegal immigrant slave servants recycle their own dinners. (Don’t ask and don’t think about it – you will just feel nauseated.)

  70 Where Aubergine’s wealth had gone will remain a secret for the moment.

  ‘Well, my darlings,’ said Mordonna as the whole Floods family and their friends sat on the tallest tower of Castle Twilight drinking warm bloody slurpies while the sun set over the mountains behind Lake Tarnish, ‘I hope no one wants to be a billionaire? Now Mr Wealth has dropped out, there won’t be any more economics classes at Quicklime’s.’

  ‘Oh well,’ said Betty.

  After all, being witches and wizards who could basically magic anything they wanted out of thin air, it was no big sacrifice.

  Some Little Known Floods Facts and Secrets

  Nerlin Flood has four knees. The second two are at the back of his legs though they have been known to creep up into his armpits during thunderstorms. They were given to him by a witch when Nerlin said he would bend over backwards to help a small kitten that was trapped inside a sandwich. Without the extra knees, he would not have been able to bend over backwards and the sandwich would have been eaten which would have been disastrous for kitty. Since then Nerlin has rescued thirty-seven kittens, four puppies and a small accountant who were also trapped inside sandwiches.

  Betty Flood has a dark secret, but it is so dark that even with a really bright torch you can’t see it.

  Mordonna Flood collects cheese rinds. For many years she kept them in a special cabinet, but after she told her son Winchflat about the collection, he took it over and built a wonderful machine that converts the rinds into new and exciting life forms. These are set free to roam in Transylvania Waters’s exciting new Wild Life Sanctuary where they have formed relationships with each other and produced newer and even more exciting life forms such as the duck-billed bank manager and the flying scalloposaurus.

  Late at night Winchflat goes to the Wild Life Sanctuary and seeks out his creations. Then he points at them and laughs.

  Late at night Valla goes to the Wild Life Sanctuary and seeks out Winchflat’s creations. Then he creeps up behind them and sucks their blood, some of which is mauve.

  DisGuys’N’Gals Boutique

  Bad Taste is our Middle Name

  HOTHEAD

  Are you so hideous that you can only go out after dark? Wear this lovely bag.

  Now available in a choice of several male or female famous-but-forgotten-

  tomorrow TV legends.

  THE OGRE DRESS

  Do people keep creeping up behind you and attacking you with soft fruit?

  Well, you need the Ogre Dress and Matching Leggings. As they approach they will see this terrifyingly lifelike creature printed on your back and run away screaming.

  They will probably drop their soft fruit and if it’s a banana, they might even slip on it and break their necks which is no more than they deserve.

  EDIBLE SOCKS

  We’ve all heard of edible undies and yes, they are delicious, but nothing says I love you more than a pair of edible socks. These socks have been pre-worn for your dining pleasure by a Very Large Sumo Wrestler on a Very Hot Day. FREE toenail clippings with every pair. Enjoy.

  Yum! Yum!

  DANGER PANTS

  Do people keep poking you in embarrassing places with soft fruit? Keep them away with Danger Pants – reinforced with real Barbed Wire and a pair of Genuine Eyes linked to your brain with wi-fi.

  Now you won’t be saying: ‘Does my bum look big in this?’

  You’ll just say: ‘Does my bum look?’

  THE AMAZING COINCIDENCE ENGINE

  Winchflat built the first version of this machine when he was three months old and actually designed it three months before he was born. Since then he has modified it and re-built it many times and it is now larger than a large house that includes a three-yak garage. Only part of it is shown here. The Octopus Untangler and the Soft Fruit Traumatiser are not shown as the patents are not sorted out yet and we wouldn’t want any of you stealing the idea. In the meantime, of course, a lot of octopi are very tangled up.

  Winchflat would like to point out that no coleslaw was harmed during the building of this machine, though a cabbage was sneered at a bit.

  The Coincidence Machine works like this. You put a coin in slot A, plug the sensors into your ears, stand in a bucket of warm water and wait for a solar eclipse. At the very moment the sun is totally blocked out, your coin will drop out of slot
B, but it will be (a) very shiny, (b) upside down and (c) sticky with the juice of soft fruit. If you then sit on the coin (clothing must be removed first) you will instantly understand Einstein’s Theory of Relativity while looking a complete idiot and maybe even catching a cold, depending on the time of year you removed your clothing.

  1. Take the top off your felt tip pen.

  2. Go and buy The Floods 1: Neighbours.

  3. Read it.

  4. Go and buy The Floods 2: Playschool.

  5. Read it.

  6. Go and buy The Floods 3: Home and Away.

  7. Read it.

  8. Go and buy The Floods 4: Survivor.

  9. Read it.

  10. Repeat steps 3, 5, 7, 9.

  11. Go and buy The Floods 5: Prime Suspect.

  12. Read it.

  13. Go and buy The Floods 6: The Great Outdoors.

  14. Read it.

  15. Go and buy The Floods 7: Top Gear.

  16. Read it.

  17. Go and buy The Floods 8: Better Homes & Gardens.

  18. Read it.

  19. Throw your felt tip pen away because it’s all dried up.

  20. Repeat steps 3, 5, 7, 9, 12, 14, 16, 18.

  21. Forget what the pen was for so don’t bother to buy another one.

  22. Celebrate by buying The Floods Family Files picture book.

  23. Eat some soft fruit.